half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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