Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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