Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
