I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
