Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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