That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
