I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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