The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
