I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
