it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
