Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
