My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I came so hard my ears popped.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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