Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
