ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Randomize
