What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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