oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
