Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
