I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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