I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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