oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
