He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
