Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
