you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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