Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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