those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
