Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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