i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
