why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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