fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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