i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
