He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
