i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
