did you get engaged???
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
