let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
