if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
