life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
