Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
