Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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