I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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