Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
