Don't make out with my wife yet
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
