Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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