Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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