I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i was born a porn star she said
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
