rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Randomize
