Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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