I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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