Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
i am craving dick and cupcakes
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
