I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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