it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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